I'm losing myself

I feel as if I'm disappearing a little more each day. I'm so angry and confused inside that I'm afraid of myself. I feel so alone. I feel as if I'm drowning, fading faster and faster into the night with each passing day. Lately, I'm finding it harder to remember what I've done from one day to the next. I feel so afraid and alone.

 All my life is crumbling, and I'm vulnerable and so tired. What if I can't find my way out of all this pain? The pain washes over me in great waves. I want to reach out to someone, but I don't know how or who, or if I even can. My pride still lingers, though. I feel as if my soul is dying. My will to live is being tested. 

And day after day, the pain won't go away. I honestly don't know how much more I can take. I'm not suicidal, but I'm scared, embarrassed, and I've isolated myself from the immediate world. I just yearn to escape from my pain. I don't know how else to do it. I'm frightened to be alone. 

I don't trust myself not to do anything stupid on a daily basis. My normal level of confidence seems so distant that it's barely memorable. I'm a fighter, but my energy level has almost dried up. I'm getting too weak to fight on my own. I really hate this person that I've become. I'm now but a shadow of myself. But what if no one believes me? What happens after everyone has turned their backs on me? 

What if I become such a burden that I'm simply swept aside? I'm afraid that I'm losing my mind. God help me, I've said and done things that I cannot believe that I've said and done. It feels like I'm someone else, like someone is trying to take over my thoughts. I cannot believe what I've become". 

Depression... it just eats you up from the inside out. It’s like a monster inside your head that takes over. The worst thing is to know that my family and friends were doing all they could yet I still felt so lonely. Anything that was said to me, I managed to turn into a bad thing. 

I was literally my own worst enemy. I would come home and feel so exhausted from all of the voices in my head that I would just sleep to block it all out. I didn’t want to wake up because living was a nightmare. 

I felt sick with the fear of night time because that’s when the voices got even louder. I would get so frustrated because it seemed impossible to sleep, as if insomnia and depression go hand in hand. I don't want people to think I'm getting crazy. If only someone could really understand me and not being judge because of actions. I know that whatever happens, life must go on! Help me God.